


Perfection

by Jessie2126



Series: Madney Prompts, 1 Shots, and Drabbles. [6]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-31
Updated: 2020-05-31
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:22:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24470518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jessie2126/pseuds/Jessie2126
Summary: This one takes place during season 2, between  episodes 6 and 10.The original prompt was:It’s not perfect, but I guess it’ll do.
Relationships: Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han
Series: Madney Prompts, 1 Shots, and Drabbles. [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1760506
Comments: 2
Kudos: 14





	Perfection

Looking back, Maddie had no idea what she had been thinking. She hadn’t really cooked since moving to LA, preferring to order in take out or grab a meal with Buck at the house. But when she saw the recipe, it piqued her interest. She had always loved making pasta and it sounded tasty. But what she hadn’t counted on was Chim’s offer to help. She knew how bad her anxiety got when in the kitchen. She had hoped that she could cook by herself, taking as long as she needed to get everything done. While she was getting to know the 118 family, nobody knew how bad it had really gotten, not even Buck. Her mistake had been mentioning her plan at the house, and, when Chim had offered to come over and lend a hand, how could she possibly say no in front of everyone? So, there she was, pacing in front of a table full of ingredients, waiting. In her heart she knew he’d be nothing but respectful, but he’d never seen this side of her, and she had no idea how’d he’d react. That stressed her out even more. He was amazing, kind, sweet, would watching her like this make him think any less of her.? All these thoughts raced through her head when the doorbell rang. She fixed a force smile on her face as she opened it. And there he was, grinning down at her, paper grocery bag in hand.

“Hey, thanks so much for inviting me over, I brought bread to go along with it, hope that’s okay?”

She nodded as they headed back to the kitchen. “That’s fine, thanks so much.”

“No problem, happy to help contribute. So, where should we start? I’ll be honest, cooking isn’t actually my strong suit.”

She thought for a second. On the one hand, if he did the chopping, she’d just have to do the boiling and adding stuff. But that wouldn’t take very long, so then she’d just have to watch him. No, it would be best if she cut and he worked the stove, that would allow her to have the most control. “I can chop the ingredients if you boil and add stuff?”

“Sure thing” he said as he grabbed a pot and headed over to the sink.

As he worked at the stove, she eyed the pile of ingredients before her, contemplating where to start. She decided to begin with the garlic and shallot. They were bigger, and easier to cut into exact pieces. As she chopped, she eyed Chim. He was incredibly focused, as he added salt to the pot. This surprised her more than she thought it would. He was usually so talkative; he must have been a really bad cook to be this quiet. Then she picked up the basil, and that’s when it began.

Chim hadn’t been lying when he told Maddie that he didn’t cook. He would typically grab a bite at the house or order in. So, for him, this was relatively new territory. He was trying to follow the directions as specifically as possible. Thankfully all he really had to do was boil stuff, so definitely not the hardest thing. As he finished adding the salt, he gazed over at Maddie. She was chopping, but not chopping in the typical way. Instead of quickly cutting, the way most people would, she was going one piece at a time, carefully watching each chunk to see if it was even with the others. He wasn’t sure if he should say anything. He wanted to make sure she was okay, but he didn’t want her to think he was judging her either. He decided against it, and continued cooking. He had just finished adding the butter and oil to the skillet and was planning on grabbing the garlic and shallot from her. But when he looked over to check on her progress, he felt his mouth drop open.

The garlic and shallot were cut and placed in a bowl. She had now started on the basil. He had never quite seen that look on anyone’s face before. It was frozen, laser focused, gaze fixated on the pile of leaves before her. She would grab a hand full and roll them up. Then she would take the knife and carefully start cutting them into small pieces, when unrolled, they looked like ribbons. He couldn’t help thinking how pretty that was. But, she would role, cut, unrolled, look at them lined up side by side. Crumple some up and start over. As she worked, her movements became more and more frantic, and he could see that she was shaking, back rising and falling rapidly. He turned off both burners and slowly walked over to her.

Honestly, he had no idea what to do. He didn’t want to call her name, since that might startle her, but he knew he needed to at least try and calm her down some. He gently placed his hand on top of her own, stopping the knife’s movement. He spoke as softly as possible, so as not to make her jump.

“Maddie, hey, can you look at me?” No response. “Okay, that’s fine, I understand. I’m going to take the knife, is that okay?” Again, no answer, but her fingers did loosen up some on the handle. As gently as he could, he carefully extricated the knife from her still clenched hand and set it down. “Okay, come here.” Rapping an arm around her still shaking shoulders he slowly guided her over to the couch. As they sat together, he lightly lifted her chin so she was now looking at him. “Maddie, I understand how tense you are right now, do you think you can take a few deep breaths? I’ll help you. Just, out for 4, hold, and in for 4.” He had no idea if what he was doing was effective but he could see that, while she still looked terrified, her breathing did seem a little more regular.

The first thing Maddie was truly aware of was Chim’s hand on top of hers. She knew what would happen the minute she picked up the first basil leaf. Usually when she cooked, she took her time, going as slow as she needed. If her anxiety did spike, she was usually able to ride it out. But it was the basil. The last time she had tried to work with it, it had been a disaster. Doug had been horrible that night. She could feel her hands shaking as she frantically eyed the leaves.

In her mind, all she could think was: I need to cut them!! There not the same length!! I have to try again!! What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I figure this out? Her breathing began to grow rapid and she could feel her heart starting to pound as her gaze darted from the knife to the pile of leaves and back again.

And then, there he was. She was vaguely aware of Chim removing the knife from her still trembling fingers and slowly helping her to the couch. And then, he started to speak. He really did have an amazing voice, calm, quiet, controlled. The exact opposite of Doug’s. As she listened to him count, she could feel herself beginning to shake less.

“See, that’s it. Maddie, you are doing great. I am right here; an I’m not going anywhere. I’ve got you.”

As soon as she felt calm enough, she timidly gazed up at Chim. The kind, calm and open expression on his face made all her resolve crumble, and she felt the tears begin to stream.

“Oh, Maddie, Maddie, I’m right here, you’re okay, you’re okay, it’s okay.”

She tried to calm down as she spoke, with not much success. “No, it’s not, I’m so, so, sorry. I’ll fix it, I promise.”

“What? Maddie, no, there is nothing to fix.”

“Yes, the, the basil, it’s wrong, it’s. It’s ruined, it’s not, not, perfect. It has to be perfect. We can’t eat it if it’s not perfect. I need to make it perfect.”

“Maddie, god, no, it’s okay. You are fine, you don’t need to fix anything. It’s just a meal. I promise, nothing you do will ever make me think any less of you.”

“But, I can’t, I need to make sure it’s perfect. If it’s not, we can’t eat it. It’s a mess.”

“Mads, I got you, just breathe, okay. Right now, I just want you to focus on calming down. Can you do that?”

She honestly had no idea. She hadn’t lost control like this in ages. But at that point, she was utterly spent. Her head dropped onto Chim’s chest as she sobbed. What felt like hours later, but in reality, was probably 5 minutes, she picked up her head and looked at him. Again, they’re was that look, open, sweet, present.

“Oh, Mads, I am so incredibly sorry. Hang on, I’ll be right back.”

At that point she was to exhausted to respond. She heard him lightly head off, the then heard the sound of running water. She was surprised a moment later when she felt something wet on her face. Chim was kneeling in front of her, damp paper towel in one hand, the other under her chin, lightly sponging off the tears from her cheeks. He then grabbed a dry piece and wiped off the water. He didn’t say a word as he worked, just watched her, face full of worry.

Maddie was shocked. She couldn’t remember the last time someone had just taken care of her, helped her, allowed her to be upset, and not wanted anything in return. His touch was so gentle, so slow, nothing like Doug’s. His had been quick, rough, harsh. He just wanted to do what he could to hide the damage. Chim was careful, never pressing down to hard or rushing to finish. She couldn’t help but think that if this is how he responded to her, he must have been incredible out in the field.

Reflecting back, Chim didn’t think he’d ever been so bold. He didn’t know what had come over him. Most of the time, he would help after, never really stepping in immediately, but there was something about Maddie that made him just jump into action. Once her face was dry and clean, he headed back into the kitchen, tossed out the towels, and filled a glass of water from the tap. Sitting down back beside her he gave her the glass, small smile on his face. “Thought you could also probably use this.” She nodded, and slowly sipped. When she spoke, her voice was small, sad.

“Why are you sorry?”

His answer was immediate. “For what you’ve gone through. For how anxious you are. For everything.”

“Thank you. I’ll just walk you out.”

“Maddie, no, I can’t do that. That reaction doesn’t just happen for no reason. We don’t know each other very well, but I’m really worried about you. I’m not going anywhere. You don’t have to talk, but I want to make sure that you have someone here if you need. I’m not going to interrupt, judge, question, I’ll just be right here.” He paused before adding. “Unless you really do want me to leave. The last thing I’d want is to make you more anxious or uncomfortable. So, if you really do want me to go, just say the word an I’ll head out.”

“No, stay, please?” She hadn’t realized how much she wanted someone to be with her until he offered. “I’m sorry, that sounds so pathetic.”

“No, it doesn’t, not even a little. You don’t ever have to apologize for not being okay.”

“I did before, when I was with him.” She paused, eying him, waiting for a look of disgust or annoyance. There was none, so she went on. “He hated when I would do that, said that if I had just listened to him in the first place, did what he wanted, then I wouldn’t need to apologize after.”

Chim didn’t want to interrupt, figuring that she had gotten that enough before, so he just nodded, waiting for her to go on. Sure enough, she did.

“He used to make me cook. Small things at first, baked goods with recipes, easy casseroles, things like that. But, as I got better, they got harder. It was strange. Well, not strange. But just, almost as if he was challenging me, you know?” Another slight nod. She was amazed that he hadn’t interrupted once. “I felt as if I was playing a game or something, the better I did, the harder the dishes got, and if I failed, the consequences were, they were.” Her voice broke, and Chim slowly put an arm around her, holding her close.

“Oh, Maddie, I’m so sorry, if this is to much, you don’t have to continue.”

“No, I need to get this all out. He had a thing for making things look pretty. He’d show me all these cookbooks, forcing me to copy the style exactly. That’s where the basil came in. It was this chicken dish. He wanted me to make the ribbons at the top. He would just stand behind me, watching, measuring, criticizing if they were even the tiniest bit to long or to short. And in my head, all I kept thinking was that they had to be perfect, exact, precise, or he wouldn’t want me, wouldn’t love me, would hate me because I couldn’t do this one simple thing.”

Chim’s heart sank. What kind of monster had she been living with?” I’m sorry, that sounds, awful.”

That validation and acknowledgement was exactly what she needed to keep going. “It was, it really was. I spent so much time trying to make those ribbons that the chicken ended up burning. He got so mad, made me start over, an I was so anxious at that point that I messed up right away. Then, he got really upset. Hit me, pulled my hair, said that I wasn’t worthy, that I was useless, that all he wanted was one perfect meal.” She paused, struggling to Collect herself. Chim gently took her hand, squeezing it lightly.

“Is this okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, it really is.” That feeling of being grounded, of having someone to just hold her and support her was one she hadn’t experienced in forever. “He loved that word, perfect. Would use it every chance he got, usually to point out what I did wrong, or what I could have done differently. After, I just remember crying, and he just, just, looked at me, said that I deserved it for not following simple instructions and walked away.”

“Maddie, I, I don’t even know what to say. Honestly, you’re amazing, do you know that? You managed to get out of an impossible situation, and here you are.”

“I don’t feel amazing, I couldn’t even make a simple pasta dish.”

“Mads, you, are, just, fine, I promise. That dish, while simple in theory had a lot of things that were triggering for you. Of course, it would be hard for you to get through it.” He paused, wondering whether to continue. “You don’t need to answer, but how often do things like this happen?”

Normally she would have lied, but there was something about him that made her want to tell him the truth. Maybe it was the fact that he hadn’t left or questioned or judged. “Not a lot, but more than I’d like. I’m usually just able to deal, take deep breaths, and it passes. It’s never been this bad. If you hadn’t been here, I, I honestly don’t know what I would have done.”

“Maddie, of course, anytime. I really mean that. Just say the word. I’m so sorry, for everything. Please let me know if you’re ever uncomfortable. I don’t want to ever push, especially knowing all that you’ve gone through.”

She nodded, “I will, promise.”

Good, now, is there anything else I can do?”

Could you just stay? Actually, wait no, you’ve been here long enough, you probably have plans, or other things to get done, never mind.”

When he smiled, it was so warm, so open, and so was his answer. “I wouldn’t be anywhere else. So, about dinner, you’re probably hungry. How do you want to handle this? We could finish cooking, or order in some take out, or go through the fridge, the choice is entirely up to you.”

“You’re so great. Thank you. I’m not sure. It’s getting late, but I don’t think I can go back in there and cook.”

“You are so welcome, anytime. Will you let me finish up in there? I won’t if you don’t want me too, but we don’t have much left to get done. I really want to make sure you’re comfortable, and, after all that, you really need to eat.”

Normally, she would have said no. She hated when people went through her stuff, but he was different, and she was so exhausted at that point. “Sure, knock yourself out.”

He nodded, hopped up and got to it. Her apartment was open plan so she was able to watch the whole process. He was very thorough, quick, efficient. She couldn’t help but tease. “For someone who said they don’t cook, you sure seem to know what you’re doing.”

He blushed slightly. “I’ve looked at the recipe 5 times in the past few minutes.”

“Still though, thank you.”

“Maddie, it’s seriously no problem, I promise. Also, just about done.”

“She eyed the bowl, it looks great.”

“Well, it’s not perfect, but I guess it’ll do. But honestly thanks, I just needed to add everything together, you got most of the chopping done so the rest wasn’t that hard at all.”

He served her a plate and sat facing her. She looked down and could feel her heart start to pound. The anxiety must have been evident on her face, cause Chim immediately took 1 look at her expression and said.

“Everything okay?”

“I just can’t stop thinking about all the things I did wrong while making it. I don’t think I can eat it.”

He gazed off in thought for a moment before sliding his chair around so he was directly in front of her. He grabbed the spoon, filled it and held it up to her. “Open up.”

“What, no, I can’t make you feed me.”

“Okay, I’m not going to force you to eat, but don’t look at the bowl, just focus on me.” Then, he shrugged. “So, did you ever hear about that woman who got her head stuck in that tail pipe?”

She couldn’t stop the smile from appearing on her face and that was all it took. The minute her lips parted he popped the spoon in. She was surprised, his method had actually worked. By focusing on something that wasn’t the dish, and having that distraction, she was able to chew and swallow with more success than she ever thought possible.

“Was that okay? I didn’t want you to think I was trying to force feed you. Maddie, like I said, if you’re ever uncomfortable, anxious, scared, let me know, I don’t want to hurt you.”

“no, it was better than okay, thank you, I haven’t been able to eat like that in forever. But we could be here all night.”

“I wouldn’t mind that in the slightest.”

And so, that’s what they did, him entertaining her with jokes and stories, spooning in bites every time her mouth opened. Gradually, she got more comfortable and would open up before he said anything. Once they had finished, she looked at him. “Thank you, you have been amazing tonight, calm, friendly, understanding, helpful, and so much more. It means more to me than you’ll ever know.”

His smile could have lit up a room. “Always, Maddie, I’ll be here for you, anytime you need, and that’s a promise.”


End file.
